My Most Failed Failure

So, today for the first time I choose to do night worship at the church. As always I ride public transportation called D11 that often hung in front of  my boarding alley. In it there is a stranger father, probably in his late 50's or early, sat right behind the driver's seat, hugging her black bag while I sat on the left near the entrance to public transportation. Perhaps because the passengers are still not increasing in number, the driver set out to choose public transportation. The trip from my boarding walkway to the church no longer takes a maximum of ten minutes. Initially I was still normal, my mind is empty and I enjoy the ride while the night wind softly rubbed my cheek because the rate of public transportation that is not so tight. After passing through a bridge of a sudden my brain emits :) * dramatization*.  My brain is making noise "since this is Easter evening. Why not do something different?."

Then I paused for a while. Just think of what my brain thought. Second. Two seconds. Then I thought "what if I paid the stranger father cost?". I smiled. Exciting as well. I began to believe the idea about paying the cost of the unknown father public transportation on me. But suddenly my thought even come disturb me. Thinking about what the stranger father will thought about it later. Wonder if I'll be considered a freak. And think and ask if maybe I am just doing this because I want to get a blessing from God replies * although previously not crossed your mind that way at all *.

I am silent and my heart started pounding. The Church is come closer. I reached into my pocket where I deviate fare. And I am still in doubt. In the end my hand just take out a bill of two thousand. And just pay my fare after I dropped in front of the church. I paused a moment and sighed. My heart was beating very fast. Then I walked slowly, looking down into the door of the Church. It's nothing, I just feel like a failure only. Although I would not even know what will happen if I pay the stranger father fare. If I pay the cost of the stranger father at least I can smile cause I've done something different at a special night. But I didn't do it. I feel so flop. Failing of the most failed, because not doing well something that I should be doing. Seriously, go paying the cost of a stranger isn't a devil deeds right? 

But in the end I decided to give the cost of which I thought would use it to pay  to be an additional adoration worship  of the Church. Perhaps I just done it to wipe out the anxiety within me.

note to self. The most failed failure is when you know you can do something good but you didn't do it.