A Song From Me

When I give you a song, listen to it carefully. It's one of my way to express my deep feelings. -it's inoperative in movie-

Who Are You?

You are who you are when no one is looking.

Kosong (Klimaks)

         Pernah nggak kalian ngerasa benar-benar kosong. Not only in heart, mind tapi sampai kerasa ke your whole body juga kosong. Feel like you lost your soul. Saat dimana kalian menjalani hari-hari menjadi seperti sebuah rutinitas yang membosankan yang nggak akan pernah habisnya. Macam roda. Macam lingkaran. Dan saat ini saya sedang berada dalam kondisi sekosong itu. Saya kadang bahkan merasa saya menjalani hari ya karena harus. I really hopes I can escape from this daily life snare. Tapi ya nggak bisa, sekarang saya udah jadi mahasiswa tingkat akhir. Apa-apa mulai dipikir. Masa depanlah, kerjalah, skrispsi atau nggaklah, gimalah, dan lah lah lainnya. Kadang saya berpikir rasa kosong yang sedang hinggap didalam diri saya ini, mungkin karena kecemasan dan ketakutan yang menghampiri saya sebagai mahasiswa yang sudah segera tua. Dan harus menghadapi kenyataan dunia (nggak terdengar berlebihan kan?). Dan saya sangat salut dengan beberapa teman saya yang menurut saya tak perlu takut akan masa depan mereka, karena keberanian mereka menantang dirinya. Iya, saya adalah seorang penakut. Terlebih untuk mengambil risiko.
          Saya juga sedang dalam kondisi rindu rumah (maklum anak kosan), tapi saya merasa sudah cukup terlambat karena saya sudah bertambah tua. Saya sedang merindukan masa-masa dimana saya bisa menikmati rumah dan lingkungan sekitarnya, bermain bersama teman seumuran saya ketika umur saya masih sangat muda. Mungkin ketika saya masih SD. Saya tak mau menyalahkan orangtua saya yang membentuk saya menjadi seorang anak yang harus rajin belajar, berprestasi dan membanggakan orang tua. Saya cuma merindukan beberapa fase yang terlewat dalam hidup saya. Terlebih fase saya seharusnya bertumbuh di rumah seperti kedua adik saya. Saya benar-benar rindu.

         Tapi sekelebat pikiran lalu muncul, mungkin juga kekosongan ini muncul karena saya sedang dalam kondisi benar-benar jauh dengan Tuhan. Bukan berarti saya menjadi orang yang tidak percaya, tapi saya sedang terlepas dari aktivitas untuk memenuhi kebutuhan rohani saya. Dan hal itu masih menjadi pertanyaan saya sampai sekarang, apakah seorang yang percaya akan Tuhannya, bisa tidak menjalankan kegiatan wajib pun non wajib pemenuh kebutuhan rohaninya, misalnya ada orang sangat percaya Allah tapi dia jarang sekali sholat. Mungkinkah?
          Entahlah. Mungkin ini hanya pikiran dan hati saya yang mungkin sedang disesaki banyak hal sehingga membuatnya terasa kosong karena beban yang terasa terlalu berat. Hingga kaki pun terasa seperti melangkah karena terpaksa. Paradoks? Mungkin iya. Tapi satu hal yang menurut saya membuat saya lepas dari rasa kosong ini adalah ketika saya berjalan sendirian menikmati udara malam dingin di luar kamar kosan saya. Atau mungkin kamar kosan yang sumpek ini yang membuat saya merasa sangat kosong? Entahlah.

Words are Prayers

      Words are prayer. And as long as I remember when I studied religion in scholl, there are three answer for prayer. Yes, No, and Wait.

But what if the prayer is about love. Literally love to your crush, not love like you feel to your mom, siblings, or things fetisism. So few days ago, I've just said something (or like I said previously words are prayer). So I tweet my words,

"I wish we can meet accidentally. But in the condition when both of us are alone. Alone not in relationship, but alone like when you go for a walk."

      I said it because actually I can turn to a super shy boy when the love come in me. I don't even have any guts just to say "Hi" to my crush. So I think I'll can do it when me and my crush meet when both of us alone. And I don't even know if all those words heard by God  (or all the magical creatures) and  maybe because I'm a good boy [LOL] so they give shape to all my words. Imagine. Imagine when one of your very best wish comes true. Only in two days since you said it.

I'm totally sure that you will grab it and enjoy.. Too bad I'm not one of you. They grant my words but I screwed it up. You definitely don't want to listen the story. And I won't write it. Maybe. Because I actually write this only as a reminder to me about another plot happened in my life. The story about scumbag me in lift with her. Ha. Bye.

Note to self, it's not that easy to grab a wish comes true when it's all about love.

The Paradox

Life of an adult is boring and complicated.

My Most Failed Failure

So, today for the first time I choose to do night worship at the church. As always I ride public transportation called D11 that often hung in front of  my boarding alley. In it there is a stranger father, probably in his late 50's or early, sat right behind the driver's seat, hugging her black bag while I sat on the left near the entrance to public transportation. Perhaps because the passengers are still not increasing in number, the driver set out to choose public transportation. The trip from my boarding walkway to the church no longer takes a maximum of ten minutes. Initially I was still normal, my mind is empty and I enjoy the ride while the night wind softly rubbed my cheek because the rate of public transportation that is not so tight. After passing through a bridge of a sudden my brain emits :) * dramatization*.  My brain is making noise "since this is Easter evening. Why not do something different?."

Then I paused for a while. Just think of what my brain thought. Second. Two seconds. Then I thought "what if I paid the stranger father cost?". I smiled. Exciting as well. I began to believe the idea about paying the cost of the unknown father public transportation on me. But suddenly my thought even come disturb me. Thinking about what the stranger father will thought about it later. Wonder if I'll be considered a freak. And think and ask if maybe I am just doing this because I want to get a blessing from God replies * although previously not crossed your mind that way at all *.

I am silent and my heart started pounding. The Church is come closer. I reached into my pocket where I deviate fare. And I am still in doubt. In the end my hand just take out a bill of two thousand. And just pay my fare after I dropped in front of the church. I paused a moment and sighed. My heart was beating very fast. Then I walked slowly, looking down into the door of the Church. It's nothing, I just feel like a failure only. Although I would not even know what will happen if I pay the stranger father fare. If I pay the cost of the stranger father at least I can smile cause I've done something different at a special night. But I didn't do it. I feel so flop. Failing of the most failed, because not doing well something that I should be doing. Seriously, go paying the cost of a stranger isn't a devil deeds right? 

But in the end I decided to give the cost of which I thought would use it to pay  to be an additional adoration worship  of the Church. Perhaps I just done it to wipe out the anxiety within me.

note to self. The most failed failure is when you know you can do something good but you didn't do it.